Albus Potter and the Meddlesome Family
by wynnebat
Summary: It all began when Lily started stealing all of Albus' one-night stands…
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Albus Potter and the Meddlesome Family

**Summary:** It all began when Lily started stealing all of Albus' one-night stands… Crack, not explicit slash&het, various pairings but eventually Albus/Scorpius.

**Notes:** Written for Fire The Canon's Multi Chapter Boot Camp Challenge, so eventually this thing will reach 50 chapters. All chapters will be at least 1500 words, but probably not very much more than that. Ideally it will also be updated every day until I get to 50 chapters. This chapter's prompt was stood-up, which I'm using pretty literally ;)

**Chapter 1**

This humble story began on an uncertain date, a long, long time in the future. When all was well and dark wizards were a thing of ol' Harry Potter's day and the last great bloodshed at Hogwarts was Teddy Lupin's accident with the Whomping Willow. Days were good, mornings were bright, and all of Harry Potter's smart young children had finally finished their schooling at the prestigious Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. They had each grown into fine men and women — er, woman. James Sirius Potter was gainfully employed by the ministry, though he wouldn't quite tell anyone what he did there; Albus Severus Potter was self-employed and prospering; and Lily Luna Potter was –

Drunk at Albus Potter's door. Again.

"Not happening," Albus said with a long, drawn out sigh at the sight of his little sister. "Go to Mum and Dad's. Or James'. Teddy's. Victoire's—"

Lily shoved past him as best as she was able, considering that she was barely standing up on her own power.

"—Louis', Dominique's, Uncle Percy's, Uncle Bill's—"

Really, he could go on and on.

"Alby," she cried as she threw herself down on Albus' couch. Her dark red robes pooled around her body and into the crevices of the couch. She must have been shopping recently, Albus thought, as he'd never seen them on her. "The worst thing in the world has happened." Comfort shopping, apparently.

Albus got some firewhiskey from his fridge and ignored Lily's gesture to get her the same. After a long gulp, he finally brought himself to say, "I know. He, or she, or hell, it, has broken up with you and broken your heart. You need time away from things to find yourself again. This somehow involves staying with me for an undetermined period of time. Really, though, this time I think—"

He glanced back at Lily, who was passed out on the couch, snoring her way through the end of his speech. She looked so damnedly cute that Albus couldn't even levitate her into the hallway or send her to his parents'. So like too many times in the past, he conjured a blanket and tucked her in, then turned the lights off in the living room.

"You're the best brother ever," Lily murmured sleepily.

Albus knocked his head on the wall. _Slytherins. _

He was going to regret this. He was going to regret this so much. He just knew it.

.

Living with Lily was never hard, for the first day or so. She was funny and easygoing and liked to cook… It was only when it came to relationships that she made him want to banish himself to the arctic. They went to The Cavern, Albus' favorite bar, together since Lily needed his presence for some reason. She called it soothing, Albus called it a nuisance. If she'd truly been upset about her break-up, he'd be understanding, but being depressed after her fling of the week dumped her wasn't grounds for moving in with him. Hell, if anyone had the right to be upset, it was Albus. It was the first time he was going out after his relationship of three years with Clara Spinnet had fallen apart. Four months of moping and staring at his photo album passed, and he'd finally been ready to hit off with another girl.

She was blonde and pretty, a few years younger than him, and clearly interested in having some fun. They talked at the bar, sat together for a while, and she'd apparated to his flat. With Lily right behind them, unfortunately, but he knew Lily would get the sock on his doorknob idea.

"Just one second, I'll get some wine. Have you met my sister, Lily?" he asked, waving her to Lily, who looked the picture of sin. Short robes, too many dangles on her skinny wrists, wild red hair… He wondered why she'd come home with him if she could get any guy at the bar.

"A pleasure," Lily said, taking Bri's hand and pulling her toward the sitting room couch. "What brought you to the bar on such a day?"

Albus heard his date ask, "Such a day?" as he moved to pick out the wine. Nothing to strong or bitter… a sweet wine for a sweet lady…

Albus rested his forehead against the cupboard, trying not to psych himself out. In the background, Lily replied, "International women's love day, of course," in a tone he'd never heard her take before.

What if it was still too soon after the break-up? Not that he minded having sex (no red-blooded male ever did), but Bri looked too similar to Clary for him to not see his ex-girlfriend when he looked at her. What if sex just made him miss Clary even more?

And his best mate Scorpius had warned him about falling into a relationship with the next person he slept with, too. Maybe it wasn't worth it.

Or maybe it would be the best sex of his life, or at least really good sex, and he was standing out here like an idiot. His mind set, Albus made to exit the kitchen with the bottle of wine and the glasses trailing behind them. But for some reason, the doorknob wouldn't budge.

"Lily?" he called. Then, louder, "The doorknob's jammed." He slammed his fist against the door a few times for good measure, but the girls didn't hear him.

The Blasting Charm fizzled out before it reached the door – Lily probably had anti-destructive magic wards around the flat.

And locking wards on the kitchen door, because _Alohomora_ didn't work either.

And silencing wards in the kitchen. Albus really didn't want to know why that was.

For some reason, the acoustics were really good in the kitchen. Too good, in fact, because Albus didn't want to hear his sister's voice say, "Don't you know that a woman's tongue is a lot more… able than a man's?"

"I don't think that's a scientifically proven fact…"

Bri had used that same tone after Albus' own pick-up line. She was probably twirling a lock of hair around her finger now, too. Albus groaned.

And groaned again because one part of his body didn't realize that he wouldn't be having sex today. Dammit.

"Yeah? Would you like to go prove it?"

Lily was being pretty obvious in her pulling. Was she so sure Bri would agree?

"I don't know... Albus was just… Where is he, anyway?"

A rustle of clothing. Probably Lily moving closer.

"I'm in here!" Albus yelled, not that it did him any good. "I can hear you! This is really gross!"

"No idea."

"Lily, that tone of voice is too satisfied to be innocent!"

Unfortunately, Bri didn't know Lily for the she-devil that she was, because she answered, "Well… I guess if he left the flat for some reason…"

"He probably went to see his _best mate_," Lily consoled.

"I don't like that tone of voice, Lily!" Albus called. "There is nothing between me and Scorpius!"

The locking charm would probably fade soon, he consoled himself. Lily probably charmed it to break once she got her prey – ahem, date – into her bedroom to suck her blood – ahem, to suck… well, actually, you already know.

So all he had to do was wait until–

"Oh, Merlin, please?"

"Nah, we'll do just fine without Merlin…"

Clothes started rustling, moans got louder, and… yes, there it was, Lily's self-satisfied giggle.

Albus slid down against the door until he was sitting on the floor.

If there were any gods up there watching him… they were probably too busy watching the sex in the next room to notice his woes. He cursed his father's insistence on installing anti-Apparition wards around the building.

Sighing deeply, he decided that being awake wasn't really worth it, and ignored the sex (that he should have been having!) outside and tried to fall asleep.

.

A few hours later, Lily crept out of Albus' spare bedroom, wearing a hastily thrown-on nightgown and a self-satisfied smirk. When she got to the fireplace, she threw in a handful of powder and called, "Scorpius' Lair!"

A familiar blond-haired head appeared in the fireplace. Scorpius took in Lily's appearance and asked, "Well?"

"I took one for the team," Lily replied with a self-sacrificing air. "You owe me big time."

Scorpius nodded sagely. "Your sacrifice is for the good of wizardkind." Then, with a flash of worry on his usually composed face, he asked, "Is he okay?"

"He's fine. He's just sleeping in the kitchen. On the cold, tiled floor. After a heartbreaking experience."

Scorpius glared at her. "I'm coming through."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You're so predictable. How he hasn't guessed anything, I have no idea."

"Lily?" a voice from the spare bedroom called.

"And that's my cue," Lily said, leaving Scorpius to enter the apartment with a soft woosh.

He brushed soot off his robes quickly and strode to the kitchen, unlocking the door with an easy flick of his wand. Albus was exactly where Scorpius had expected him to be, and for a few long moments all Scorpius could do was watch his best friend. But soon enough, he threw an arm around Albus and helped him onto his feet.

"Scorp?" Albus muttered, opening his eyes blearily.

"Yeah," Scorpius replied, half dragging, half carrying Albus into his bedroom.

"Lily's a bitch."

"I know, I know."

Two flicks later, Albus was out of his robe and under his covers, dreaming of Lily chasing him and Clary and Scorpius around London. When he woke up a few hours later, Scorpius was long gone.

.

I've been watching way too much How I Met Your Mother. That's my only excuse.

Be kind and leave a review!


	2. Chapter 2

Same comp, prompt #34 – coffee. Thank you to all the lovely people who reviewed! 3/5 people who followed the story also reviewed, which is great! You're awesome :D

Chapter 2

It took an unholy amount of coffee until Albus was able to function the next morning. Until then, he bore with his splitting headache and muggy head by drinking down cup after cup of the beautiful drink. Too soon, the kitchen clock loudly rang noon, as it usually did on Saturdays, and Albus comforted himself with the sweet sound of Lily's yelling from the spare bedroom. (Though at this point, Albus might as well call the bedroom Lily's. Judging by how many bags of clothes she'd snuck into his flat, she wasn't going to be leaving anytime soon.)

"Rise and shine," Albus called, wincing at the sound of his own voice. "No use sleeping the day away!"

"Go to hell!" yelled a strangled voice, but soon enough the inhabitants of Lily's room entered the kitchen, drawn in by the smell of coffee. Lily was a beautiful mess – makeup smudged, hair standing up, wearing her usual night dress (aka, next to nothing) – while Bri, more put-together, wore the same black robe from yesterday and had already slipped on her shoes.

"Had a nice night?" he asked, hitting Lily with a mild stinging charm.

Bri blushed from her cheeks to the tops of her ears, while Lily flipped him the bird with the same hand she'd held out in a 'give me the coffee' gesture.

Albus handed them each a cup, silently wishing he could've been a little angrier. But it was Lily, and no one could stay mad at Lily for long. Besides, if he said anything, he was sure it would affect Bri much more than Lily, and that wasn't the point. He couldn't blame Bri for choosing Lily over him, a bloke who had average looks and was really way too hung up on his ex-girlfriend. But he could, and did, blame Lily for locking him in the kitchen for the night.

"Sorry," Bri replied, twirling a lock of blonde hair around her finger and peering up at him from under her lashes. Albus couldn't help but wish Lily had never entered the picture, because Bri was ridiculously pretty. Pretty enough that she was so out of his league that he had no idea why she'd gone home with him.

After a long couple of sips, Lily refilled her cup and rolled her eyes at Albus' inner angst. "The charms on the door were dependent on how much you wanted to have sex. You were obviously having second thoughts, so I decided to spare you and Bri from terrible, half-hearted sex."

"What? Lily, that still doesn't give you the right to—"

"You wouldn't have appreciated it any—"

"Really, I'm very sorry, it was rude of me to—"

And another argument between Lily and Albus grew, resembling the many arguments they'd had when they both lived with their parents. Albus usually preferred to stew instead of vent his anger, but arguing with Lily was practically second nature. Eventually, the argument reached the inevitable conclusion of Albus putting his head in his hands and saying, "Fine, okay, give my hangover a break." It wasn't like Bri was the love of his life (as far as he knew, that position was occupied by his ex-girlfriend) and his back wasn't permanently damaged from a few hours of sleeping on the floor.

He looked around, but Bri had evidently slipped out of the apartment to avoid the crazy Potter siblings. She had the right idea going, Albus decided, though he still felt bad about forgetting about her and letting her do the floo of shame while he and Lily were in their own little world.

"Truce?" Lily asked softly. "I didn't mean to make you upset. It's your flat and all."

Albus could've rolled his eyes (Lily never meant to make him upset), but withheld himself and gave her a hug instead. "Truce. I'm going over to Scorpius'. Please don't blow up the building while I'm gone."

"Ugh, Alby, so many rules," she replied, lips twitching into a prelude to a smile. "Also, a lunch date? Going to go on a dinner date with him, too?"

"I don't think anything I've ever said has made you believe I'm straight," he said. And it was true. Ever since he and Scorpius had met and become best friends, everyone Albus knew commented about their relationship at some point. Even Clary, Albus' ex, had been suspicious of their time together, although Albus had worn himself thin reassuring her that a straight man and a gay man could still be perfectly platonic bros.

"Straight brothers are boring, but it's okay, I love you anyway. I'm going to bed now, though," Lily said, kissing his cheek and going back to her bedroom with a steamy mug of coffee.

Albus turned to wash up his and Bri's mugs, thinking absently about getting new ones. Maybe even with a Doctor Warlock design, though that show was forever ruined for him after watching it with Clary. Ten minutes later, he was shouting "Malfoy Manor!" and vanishing into the fireplace.

Scorpius was already waiting for him in the entrance room, tapping his foot impatiently against the marble floors. He looked like he usually did, blond haired, blue eyes, an untouchable air around him. Albus had always felt scruffy standing next to his best friend, whose first spells had probably been a whole book of cleanliness, neatness, and etiquette charms. But that didn't matter, because Scorpius smiled easily, happily when Albus floo'd in, and Albus could bear just about anything for his and Scorpius' friendship.

"There you are!" Scorpius said. "I've been waiting for ages."

"Sorry," Albus said, bashfully threading his hand through his hair. Scorpius hated lateness of all kinds, and usually Albus was pretty good about getting to their standing Saturday meetings on time. "Lily distracted me earlier."

As they headed to the usual sitting room, Albus couldn't help but ask, "This probably sounds weird, but did you come over last night? I was sort of out of it, but I could've sworn you helped me into bed."

Scorpius shrugged. "Lily asked me to. What was that about, anyway? You sleeping in the kitchen?"

Albus began recounting the story of how he'd gone to the pub with the evil witch extraordinaire, Lily, who he'd gallantly let into his home earlier that day, and bringing Bri back to his flat for the biggest mistake of the night. They entered the cheery Sunshine Sitting Room, where a table for three had been arranged, unlike the usual table for two. Sitting in the third seat was Scorpius' grandmum, Narcissa Malfoy.

Albus hugged her gently while Scorpius flounced into his seat. "How have you been, Aunt Narcissa?"

"Well enough, though I can't say I don't miss France. It was such a nice holiday. I hope you don't mind my intrusion, but I'd hoped to spend a little more time with my Scorpius before leaving tomorrow," she replied, gently smiling back. Although Aunt Narcissa was technically James' godmother, not Albus', it had always been Albus who'd been the closest to her, of all the Potter siblings. And after becoming best friends with Scorpius at Hogwarts, she'd become almost like Albus' second grandmother. (Not that Narcissa Malfoy would ever look old enough to let anyone other than Scorpius call her grandmum, Albus thought affectionately.)

Albus sat down at his usual spot and smiled at the grand lunch display the Malfoy elves had made this week. They'd thoughtfully included Albus' favorite tuna sandwiches and a pitcher of pumpkin juice, which Scorpius poured into Albus' cup with a wave of his wand.

"It's Greece next, right?" Albus asked, trying to remember the details of her and Lucius' world tour.

"Quite so."

"You were saying something about last night?" Scorpius asked, slyly grinning at Albus. "About Lily and Bri?"

Albus shot him a glare, trying to discreetly tell his best mate that this was not a story he was about to share with Aunt Narcissa.

"Did something happen?" Aunt Narcissa asked.

Albus could've groaned. "Um. After I took bri…cheese…home, I went into the kitchen to get some wine. And then Lily stole the brie cheese and I was locked in the kitchen while she ate… it..." Ew. That was grosser than the non- bowdlerized version of the story was. He shook his head to get the terrible thoughts that that sentence conjured up out of his head.

Scorpius snorted, barely keeping his composure, while Albus planned bloody murder.

"So you were stuck there all night, listening to Lily… eat the cheese?" Scorpius asked innocently.

He was going to poison Scorpius. It was going to be vicious and terrible and an absolutely horrible way to go, but his friend deserved it.

"Yes. Until you came over for some unfathomable reason and helped me get back to my room."

Aunt Narcissa sipped her tea, then asked, "And then what, dear? Was the piece of cheese foul the following morning as well?"

Albus felt an urge to slam his head against the table, but restrained himself because the tablecloth cost more than his flat. "Mrs. Malfoy, you're not supposed to think the cheese is real."

"I'm sorry, child, please go on. This inanimate piece of cheese then went on…"

Albus pouted at the tablecloth. "The cheese was perfectly pleasant the next morning. But my sanity clearly wasn't."

Aunt Narcissa patted him sympathetically on the shoulder, and Scorpius was kind enough to change the topic to current Grecian wizarding politics, which lead to an hour long debate between the three about how politics really should be avoided at all costs. Especially since Scorpius was in a state of eternal rebellion against his ancestors, most of whom had been career politicians of some sort.

By the end of lunch, Albus was once again feeling like he could deal with Lily and the rest of the world again. Even if Scorpius embarrassed him hopelessly, his best friend could make Albus' mood exponentially better.

.

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